For Father’s Day I asked all the kids to give me 3 words that describe Charlie.
Here are their answers:

Cellie Joy: provider, protector, comforter
*she didn't give me words...the picture says it all* 

Maezie: helpful, strong, nice

Reece: loving, high achiever, discipliner

Mik:  good looking, fun, a little angry sometimes

Luke:  wise, strong, hard-worker

Esther:  hard working, loving with no questions, forgiving

Charsie:  hard working, funny, God-seeking

Kole: My best man.
 (Kole didn't give me words, but he had his dad give his best man speech at his wedding...so I filled in the blanks.)

Lashae:  dedicated, loyal, prayerful

Claiborne:  wise, strong, caring

Andule Simon:  hard-working, caring, God fearing

Patrick:  mentor, provider, overseer

I also asked each of the kids to tell me 3 of their favorite things about their dad.

Here are their answers:

Lashae:  He is such an encourager to all.

And I love the way he loves whoever God puts in front of him.  He can make the loneliest of people feel seen and heard and cared for.

Charsie:  The way he is a friend to all and his willingness to let anyone in his home. 

His excitement about people, and different cultures.

The way he chases Jesus with all His might.

Claiborne:  I always loved listening to Chuck’s stories.  I always saw him as a man amongst men.  And when he’s talking, you can bet that everyone is listening.  He has a remarkable presence.  I always saw Chuck as a wise person.  Whether it was through his craft, him speaking on his life experiences, or preaching the gospel I could always tell that he had a lot to say and that it’s something you don’t want to miss.  Chuck was always loving.  I remember one day, we were working on the church and we had to call it early.  So we had to pack everything before the storm came.  Well, I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough because Chuck got upset.  But then he pulled me to the side and had a conversation with me about how to give everything my best effort.  It was something I’ll never forget.  I could tell that he cared about me when he shared with me something that he takes to heart.  It was great!

Esther:  His energy, His arms, His unconditional love for us.

Luke:  He leads by example, hard worker, he puts his faith first.

Mik:  He sees the best in everything no matter how hard it is.  He knows something about everything.  He can joke around and have fun.

Reece:  Took me to work, coached my baseball team, he is my super hero.

Andule Simon:  He is devoted, courageeous, and encouraging.
Patrick Brewer:  My first like is that he's a Christ centered father, I like the brave man in my father, his humble service and his self denial father who looks at the needs of others before his.

Patrick - I couldn't have summed it up any better!!! This man just sent his family ahead of him and he stayed back  to finish up and clean up and provide and sacrifice for his family!  That's my man!!!!

Change Brings New and Old Reactions.

The question was asked:  

Why, after so much time has passed, after a history of trauma, do people still struggle?

 Why do certain things, like change, trigger old and awful responses?

Adjustment can be difficult for everyone – even good changes – wanted changes – needed changes, are difficult.

Ask any newlywed (who is truthful) how easy and comfortable and fun new marriage is?!?!

Even though it is a wonderful time with all the benefits and blessings of marriage, it sucks for the most part, for most of the people. 

It's a big change and adjustment.

So making a move can trigger anybody into crazy behaviors.

Cellie, our baby who happens to be 3 and has hated food for most of her life, decided stress-eating was her way of handling the move.

We were all taken back when we couldn’t keep the kid out of the pantry.  Usually, we have to bribe and threaten her to eat, and now all of a sudden we are having to lock her out of the pantry. 

 Change does weird things to all of us.

I was discouraged with some of the old behaviors that the move triggered.  I felt like we had crossed this particular bridge or jumped this certain hurdle and it was back to that same ‘ole familiar reaction.  It comes and goes, but it is something I had hoped would go and never come back.

I didn’t really know how to answer the question:

HOW LONG AFTER TRAUMA, DO TRIGGERS STILL SET US OFF?

God answered that question for me, with an unpleasant experience this morning.

I was on a morning run, and enjoying the new route, new view, and beautiful weather, all was right in my world.  THEN, I a heard a dog coming at me,  I couldn’t see him but I could hear him barking and running towards me,  it triggered this crazy response in me, and I screamed and jumped right into a very busy road, away from the direction the dog was coming.  I reacted before I could think.  My heart was instantly at heart-attack rate.  Once I could see the dog, I could see that he was behind a very secure fence and his owner was pretty disgusted with my dramatic reaction.  I felt stupid for having jumped in the road and screaming, but it just happened all at once and I didn’t even think about it, I just reacted. 

The last time I got bit by a dog (because it has happened a couple different times in my running history) it has been well over 15 years ago.  Something about all the changes, new route, new dogs, new territory, I obviously was triggered into a response that I have not had for a long time, and didn’t know was still in me.  The first dog bite that I had so many years ago, is healed with just a little scar remaining. Somehow all the changes triggered old fears and responses that made me react as if I had been bitten yesterday.

Once I got passed that dog and the heart rate went down a bit, I could move forward and realize how ridiculous my reaction was.  I couldn’t prepare because I didn’t know it was coming…the dog or the reaction.

  Even if that dog was coming to bite me; screaming and jumping into traffic was NOT helpful to anyone.  For people that know kids with trauma in their past, that struggle to understand, why triggers still set off responses that make no sense and are not helpful to anyone, I’m here to testify……THEY ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT IT, IT’S NOT PERSONAL, IT’S A REFLEX RESPONSE THAT NOBODY ENJOYS.  At least for me, I could move on pretty quickly and finish my run, as if nothing had happened today.  I think the same for kids with trauma…the further they are from it, even though they may respond to triggers, they can quickly recover and move on! 

I guess my answer to the question of how long will it take to get over a history of trauma is this:

The reaction may always be there when triggers are pulled, but the recovery time is much faster and the regular rhythms of life return faster and easier over time. 

 Praise God for healing, even if we live with scars we can live and move and handle life and change beyond trauma and triggers.

Psalm 103:2-5 New Living Translation (NLT)

2 

Let all that I am praise the Lord;

    may I never forget the good things he does for me.

3 

He forgives all my sins

    and heals all my diseases.

4 

He redeems me from death

    and crowns me with love and tender mercies.

5 

He fills my life with good things.

    My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

Sweet Goodbyes.

I have always hated good-byes.  It feels sad and lonely.  The thing that God did for me when we moved, was for about 3 days leading up to our departure, it was a constant flow of good-byes.

  It was a sweet time. 

  Saying goodbye makes you hug a little tighter and say the things you have been holding in because you will see that person next time.  The thing about a big move is, most of us will see each other again, we just aren't sure when, so you make the most of the last visit.  You get real intentional about stopping and connecting with people on a deeper level. 

 I hugged and got hugged tighter, got prayed for more, cried a little easier, laughed a little louder, and said and heard I LOVE YOU with every goodbye.

 It was said so we could hear it, not just a feeling or a thought but we had to make sure we felt it and heard it. 

 People don't want to part ways without saying good-bye.

May we live with the intention that saying goodbye brings.; making sure everything that needs to be communicated, is clearly communicated.

Now I live near my Grands and see them almost every day, and if you don't walk them to their car with a proper goodbye, which includes a kiss and hugs and saying I LOVE YOU - they will insist on not leaving, to the point that their very pregnant mom will get her body out from under the steering wheel to come back in, and get me to say goodbye to their hearts satisfaction.  

I love this routine!  Saying goodbye is my new favorite thing. 

Moved Into Deeper Dependence

It was a few nights before we were to leave our home of 15 years and our community of a lifetime.  I started asking God some questions.  I mean, this whole time, all these years of waiting and wondering about what would happen with our place.  I felt like we had “learned our lesson,” we learned to depend on the Lord for our daily bread.  I know we didn’t learn or do it perfectly, but we definitely had a new and clearer understanding.  We learned to live and expect and celebrate the faithfulness of God.  I guess without really realizing it, I felt like when this season (of 8 years as it turns out) was over, and we got to move on to the next thing, that we would get to graduate from this lesson of dependence.

God so lovingly and directly cleared up that little misunderstanding.  I was asking why things were still hazy, there is direction FOR SURE, and solid ground everywhere we have stepped foot, but it’s as if we still can’t see the next step, it’s like we still have to walk in faith, and trust and depend on God daily.  I guess I kept waiting for the clouds to part and the path to be lit and all I had to do was run like the wind.  That is NOT what is happening. 

The direction is very clear for one foot to step forward at a time.

I was whining praying to God about how I was sure we had learned our lesson and now He could loosen the reign a bit, He could just give us our head (horse term) a bit.  In other words, I wanted some control back but I still wanted Him to hang close in case we needed Him to bail us out.

He just lovingly showed me that we have learned this lesson of dependence on Him, to keep walking in deeper dependence with Him.

  So yes, I guess I graduated to the next level of dependence.

I have been mulling this over in my head and thinking,

 “Is that even Biblical, or it that me just excusing myself from having a plan?”

*Charlie says our family has no plan, just events.*

Our send off!!

I thought of a race, because often times the Bible talks about our life in Christ as a race.  I have run a few marathons, and I can tell you when you get a few miles into it, you don’t get to put your legs on cruise control and sit back and enjoy the ride.  You have to keep moving those legs one step forward at a time.  I’ve never heard of someone hitting mile 20 and saying how much easier it is than mile 3.  It may get more exciting and the scenery may be more beautiful, and there may be more anticipation as you get nearer to the finish, but the further you run, the MORE you depend on the training you put in getting to this point. 

We are mostly settled and thrilled to be in Montana, near all the bigs and grands. 

We are moving forward daily and depending more and more on God’s grace and faithfulness to keep us going. 

 

Loaded!

Unloaded.

We were unloaded before we even arrived on Saturday; we went to church on Sunday and had a fun family dinner in our new space. 

I know this picture is chaotic but it's real life!

 Monday we hit the ground running to sports practices and a twin grand ultrasound….EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

Life is full and it is GOOD!!!

1 Corinthians 9:23-26 New Living Translation (NLT)

23 I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.

24 Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! 25 All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. 26 So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing.

Move On - Let It Go

The process of moving has made us reach to the very back of every cupboard and closet to deal with the things that have have been stored and tucked away, hidden from our reach and view.  Many things tucked and stored away, I have forgotten I even had.

 I have thought of myself as a pretty minimal "saver" as I  frequently purge stuff; but  what I have found out, thru this moving process, is that I have frequently purged of the things I have kept in view and in reach, but there has been things hidden away, out of reach and out of view and easily forgotten.  These hidden items have been taking up space, even though I have not been paying attention to them.



Many of the things tucked away, out of reach and view, are things that I folded and neatly placed and sometimes it was stuffed in a big mess. It's stuff  I didn't know what to do with at the time that it was right in front of me; I couldn't use it, or let it go; so I put it where I didn't have to deal with it, and then promptly forgot about it, but let it remain there, taking up space.

This has been a very tangible exercise of what happens in our hearts.  We tuck away the things we don't know how to handle or where to go with it, so we just neatly tuck it away or wad it up in a ball, out of sight and out of mind. 

We have someone to give all our stuff to...the stuff from way back when, and the stuff from today.  Even when we are in the habit of praying and talking to Jesus, we often purge the things that are in view, but there are some things that we have forgotten are tucked away and hidden in our hearts. 
 We eventually have to dig it out from the dark corners and deal with it, in order to move on. 

 This is a picture of repentance.  

 I hear people say,

 Forgive and forget, 

well,

forgiveness is absolutely the right move, but forgetting doesn't always mean forgiveness has taken place. 
 

Some things may be forgotten, but it still takes up space, if it has not been dealt with, and for(given).  I often remember things differently, once forgiveness has truly taken place; it changes to a memory thru the lens of grace and mercy;  forgiveness given and forgiveness received is what makes the change and gives the new lens.

 It takes digging to the very bottom and bringing it to the Light and giving it to Him, in order to MOVE.

We have dug out all the stuff in the closets and cupboards and we have dealt with them, over the last few weeks of packing, a little at a time, a space at a time.  As we are getting ready to move and start living in a new STATE, I have had to dig to the bottom of my closets and my heart to start fresh and free of garbage and burdens.

We taken loads of stuff to the dump and to thrift stores, it feels like our house has been on one big cleansing diet, and now we are cleaner and freer to move.

Yesterday, as I was coming up the driveway from my run before the big pack day, I prayed that we only hang onto the things that keep us moving forward in Jesus and the things that help us remember His faithfulness. God has been so good and so faithful in our lives,  I want to remember and I want to move on, looking back and forward at the same time.  I pray I can live in the present, in the tension of  looking back and remembering God's faithfulness, and moving forward in faith and freedom.  I pray we don't hide or  hang on to things that only weigh us down.  May we  only hang on to the things we can use,  the things that add beauty and the things that have purpose in our lives.

I'm going to make a conscious effort to purge more often, not just the things in my immediate view, but the things that I want to hide away and forget about.

I prayed Psalm 51 this morning in my time alone with the Lord, and then Jaina preached a sermon at church that absolutely confirmed God had heard my prayer (along with many others apparently....as there was a line of people after the service to thank her for bringing such a powerful word this morning.) She even used the exact Scripture that I had prayed a few hours earlier. God is so good and incredibly personal and intimate.

Psalm 51:10-13 English Standard Version (ESV)

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.

God encouraged me throughout the whole service; our church family prayed over us and sent us out with beautiful prayers and blessings.

I'm going to miss many people and things about this time and space,

but I will look back and remember with great gratitude, and move forward in faith.

Mother Mess, I Am

I have been asking the Lord for something to share that would be unique and encouraging.  He asked me right back,  "What have I given you?  Talk about that."

GENTLENESS - FAITHFULNESS

He has given me the most amazing gift .....kids....lots of them...all different kinds of them.

I don't really like talking about "mothering" because I can give you thousands of posts about how I have messed up, big mother of all messes, every kind you can imagine, past, present and future.
I have made every mistake, repeatedly, you can make as a human, and especially as a mother.  I don't want to misrepresent this Brewer Bunch because the minute I try to sing our praises my kids will run off (literally) and eat tide pods (or something really close) or we will forget one or more of them (this has happened on more than 1 occasion) and the list is really endless of what has happened and will still happen.

 I do have a unique situation,  I have children spread out over a lot of years, so I can speak into the subject as someone who has been thru it, and is still in it.
  People often won't speak out in the heat of it, until they know how it will all shake out, or they shrink back, after they have made it thru,  thinking "things are different these days," but God has allowed us to stay in the heat of it.
 It may be, that He knows how much He has to give me, to finally get it.
 In any case, this is how I see it, I have 25/23/20, 3 teen/2 elementary, and 1 toddler vision.

 Mother Mess with Long-Term Vision.

 I'm the first to admit,
 I'm not the parenting poster mom,
 I'm more like the mom on the warning label.

GOODNESS - LOVE

There is a couple of things I have learned along the way, things that have stood the test of time since the beginning of time, and I will put it in a check list / 3 step process...every Mother loves a checklist and  process: 

Love God! Love God more than our kids, our family, our pets, our jobs, our stuff.

Make God the center of your life everyday, not our kids, our ministry, our bodies or hobbies.

Pay attention to God more that anyone or anything.

When we make our kids the center of our lives, they believe the world revolves around them. 

 If we make God the center of our lives, our kids believe in GOD'S SON,  whom the world revolves around.

PATIENCE - SELF CONTROL

God, the creator and owner of our lives and our kids' lives, gave us an owner's manual to live by.  He also gave us a direct line to call Him every single day, all day long over the biggest challenges and the littlest concerns.

We have a manual and a direct line to call! 

The manual is called:  The Bible 

The number to call is:  PRAYER

PEACE

Recently I have struggled with knowing if we are doing the best thing for our kids by moving;  Mik pointed out to me that living here, with us in this house, has been the longest he has lived anywhere in his whole life....my heart sank and I began to panic...what are we doing??

KINDNESS

 I was asking God to help us know what to do and where to go that is BEST for everyone of our kids, not just one or a few, but everyone in their current stage of life and considering all their history.

He reminded me of this:

Joshua 1:8-9 New Living Translation (NLT)

8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

JOY

Galatians 5:22-23 New Living Translation (NLT)

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Moving: A Setback and A Step Forward.

Moving update!  We found a house to lease.  YAY!  It fits us and is in the right school district,  and most important, it has a brand new washer and dryer, hooked up and ready to provide therapy.   I mean only Jesus,  the lover of my soul knows the importance of a new washer and dryer to do my daily spin out during this big move!!

 One of the biggest things we have been sure of thru this process is the high school the kids will go to, the school just felt right to all of us, right from the start, and housing for a big family in that school district is not the easiest thing. 

Thru a series of events we felt God confirmed  our move and allowed us to set the timing in motion.  Moments after we took a big step in this direction, our house sale fell thru.  I felt myself gasp for air in that moment and then I just let out a big 'ole sigh knowing God was doing something different....what felt like a set back is actually a big relief.  We are going to continue moving forward in our move, and get settled, but we have been given a big gift of more time to finish well and not in a frenzy.  Charlie will stay here and wrap things up.  I've always said Charlie is the clean up guy, he is a strong finisher;  the one that sticks around so he can follow everyone else out, and make sure all is in order and the lights are turned out.

We had planned all along for Charlie to stay and finish some work projects, he has had a building business here for over 25 years.  It will take some time to transition out and start over.  We were prepared for this, but NOW he has a place to live AND work.  :)

We don't know how all of this will shake out or how long it will take, but what is very clear is that we have been given the green light to move to Montana.  We have a house and a school and a church and  6 BIG and 5 GRAND reasons to move.

 The BIGS and GRANDS are doing just fine and have proven they are quite capable, strong and growing grown-up but now we get to cheer each other on from the front row of life, at least for this season.  I am beyond grateful.

With the new unknown timeline, we are taking full advantage and Charlie will get to represent the family for a very important wedding in Uganda.   

It's like the Lord said....Hey, I have a little bump in the road and while your out fixing the FLAT, I have a party for you to attend.

What seemed like a big 'ole bummer has already turned into extreme peace a big fun blessing.  

 

We know God has given us direction and provision for the next step, and that's all we need.  We trust what He is doing even when we don't understand.
 

Matthew 8:26-27 (NLT)

²⁶ Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
²⁷ The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”