I thought the more kids I raised the more confident I would be about parenting. The exact opposite is is actually true. I find myself wanting to just close up and shut down until it's over, like a scary movie that you don't know how it will end. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, but the deeper I go into this whole "mom" gig the more I experience, the more humbled and exposed I feel. My tendency is to react in fear, just grab on to what little faith I have left and hold on tight, and wait until Jesus comes back. It's like, the more you know, the more there is to fear.
In months past I prayed that Charlie and I would stay in this race of faith and that we would end this life journey in a sprint with nothing left. I just don't want to lose ground with Jesus. I have tasted some of the sweetness of communion with Him, and seen glimpses of His beauty, and I don't want to lose track of that. I see too many people, when it gets hard, and man does it get hard, get discouraged, hurt and too exhausted and they take their race pace down to a crawl or resort to the fetal position, curled up on this track of life, waiting for time to run out.
I prayed this prayer in a season of strong faith and good running conditions. The race felt exhilarating and exciting.... my faith felt full and alive.
Only God knew what was coming...
I feel anything but exhilarated and excited at the moment. Life feels hard, my faith feels small, and I want to just curl up and pray I make it through the day. It's a stupid thing to say when you look at all that God has done in our lives and the way He has shown Himself so powerful and kind, but it is the truth of where things are at the moment.
I have learned in my own life, and in reading the Bible, that often times when there has been a mighty move of God in someone's life experience, it is often followed up by fear and doubt and temptation.
Elijah the prophet, called fire down from heaven and watched God show Himself so powerful and mighty and he followed it up by running away from a verbal threat and sitting down exhausted and wanting to die.
The disciples that walked with Jesus in the flesh, and watched as He performed miracles on many occasions, would often follow up a day of mighty miracles with being caught in a storm or situation that they would respond in fear and doubt.
How does this even happen? This feeling of faith to fear in the matter of minutes.
Matthew 8:25-27English Standard Version (ESV)
25 And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” 26 And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. 27 And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?”
God has poured on His love and power and grace so huge and tangibly to our family in the last few months and it has felt like one miracle after another.
To highlight a few:
We had the most amazing time in Uganda, God showed up and showed off everyday we were there!
Lashae and Chaney made another GRAND announcement, and then we soon added to the joy that there is actually
TWIN GRANDS!
Every baby is a miracle, but TWINS!!!
is our God showing off miracles two at a time.
We celebrated our son Kole (who claimed he was going to be single forever) marrying his new bride, the most amazing girl, our first Daughter in Love!
We were surrounded by all our children and grands and parents for the wedding celebration.
Many more friends and family who came from every corner of this country came to celebrate with us.
God held off the rain and storm just long enough for us to get all our celebrating done.
Now, the storm has hit in several areas and my tendency is to respond in fear, cling on to the little faith I can clinch in my tight fist, and just hang on for dear life.
This is no way to live and run this race of faith, but it is a struggle in the midst of the storm.
I'm asking God to calm the storms and open my heart and hands, give me a second (or millionth)
wind,
and run to Him with joy and not sit and shake in fear.
Philippians 2:14-18New Living Translation (NLT)
14 Do everything without complaining and arguing, 15 so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. 16 Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. 17 But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy. 18 Yes, you should rejoice, and I will share your joy.
**** I use this blog to journal my journey and hopefully it can speak to others as well as remind me. I tell the truth and sometimes it sounds dramatic.
Life is dramatic for everyone, but some are just louder than others.
I know where my hope comes from and He has my life and every storm right in His sights and in His hands!****
No comments:
Post a Comment