I'm Locked Up and Found My Fit

Another confession:

I am pretty locked up emotionally.

I get super close to the ugly cry almost daily, 

over happy and sad events,

 and the only thing that comes out is the 

ugly, and no cry,

 so it just gives this horrid look of discomfort and distress.

This is a serious problem believe it or not,

it's not just an "ugly" look...it's a locked up heart.

  It's like no emotion is allowed to
 "flow"

it's just all stuck at ugly.

The only thing that seems to give way sometimes, is fear,

 which comes out like anger,

 which sounds like yelling.

All the other stuff inside just makes it to the "ugly" and freezes right there.

I have been talking to a few of my peeps (sisters) about this and they have experienced the same lock up.

I have been asking the Lord to show me,

 "What is my issue, why am I just stuck in the ugly?"

(if you think I'm kidding I'm totally NOT)

So I was listening to a podcast sermon on the way home from a basketball tournament and it hit me like a sock in the gut,  I even ALMOST
made it passed the ugly and  dropped a tear. 

 ha! 

 Again...NOT KIDDING!

  This is what hit me....I'm pretty transparent (as evidenced by the blog) but in all my transparency...I also have boundaries, which are good in the right way, but my boundaries have turned into walls and fences, so you can see me but I'm out of

 "touch".  

Somewhere along the way I quit being vulnerable,

 I even quit being vulnerable with

 Jesus.

 I would have my time with Him and talk to Him and read His word, but if I felt like He was getting in my business, I would just divert and move to the next verse or pray for something else.

I didn't want to deal with any

 "stuff"

 that might be

 stuffed away in my heart, 

so I got locked up behind my fence and just looked ugly.

I mean seriously there is plenty to cry about,  there's so much beauty and blessing and awe and wonder and hurt and pain and suffering in this world.  

It's just that I have to be vulnerable enough to let all the beauty and pain past the barrier and let it touch my heart for longer than a millisecond.

I think a part of the problem is also  emotional attention deficit.
(I just made that up.)  

I can scroll through facebook and read the saddest thing and see the saddest picture and then with a tiny swipe of the screen and  I'm on to the funniest post of the day.

It's like we don't take a moment to feel or digest what we just saw or heard or felt.  It gives a sting or a giggle and move on to the next thing.

Bottom line:  I'm locked up and working on breaking free and once the dam breaks...look out, I'm scared to think what a mess that will be. 

 :)

In other news:

Here's a progress report on 
"fitting in".
 I have found my group.

Yay!!!!

  Middle Schoolers are my fit!!!!

  They are completely awkward, weird, and vulnerable I love them like crazy. 
 We have started meeting with a group of mostly middle schoolers at our house  a few Sundays a month to eat and play and talk about Jesus.
Modeled after Acts 2:42

42 And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.

  In years past, we had a group of kids when the older ones were in high school and we called it PB&J, for Powell Butte and Jesus, 
so this one is PB&J 2.0

 They are all awkwardly finding their way in life and I "get" that.

    They can laugh and cry in the same 5 minutes, and feel it all to their very bones.

They have amazing, questions and curious minds and they are brave and vulnerable enough to ask the questions.
  They haven't learned good or bad boundaries...they are just flailing around like wild people.