I have always said I don't "fit" in the box.
At the bank, or on taxes when you are self employed...there is never an easy box to check.
When you have as many kids as I do, you never fit in all the blanks, for any forms for insurance or anything of the sort,
you always need an extra sheet of paper.
So now, I'm not only a misfit in paperwork, but in my interactions with people, I don't know how to
"fit."
I am not a young mom, but I am a mom of young children,
teens,
adults
and GRANDS.
Do I interact with the mothers of the grown children, teen children, young children, baby section, or the Grandparent, get out your iPhone and your readers, and show everyone the latest and greatest GRAND children section?
Everywhere I think God has placed me and used me and is familiar to me has taken a different shape of sorts and I'm just feeling a bit out of place.
I think most people struggle with changes and seasons and such, and I totally get that, but as my seasons change they also repeat. It's kind of like
wash,
rinse,
repeat.
A cycle that changes and sometimes repeats and then you are done and onto the next thing....but instead, for me, it's
wash,
add more soap,
rinse a bit,
add more soap,
get it in your eyes,
add water,
run out of hot water,
add some conditioner
and then I don't know whether
I'm washing, conditioning, rinsing or repeating
or what the FREAK is going on.
I have been talking to the Lord about "where do I fit?" I just feel so awkward. I always have been, but with age most people figure out who they are and settle into that, even along the many changes and seasons of life.
Instead of settling into a place or a season or a rhythm, I'm a bigger misfit and more awkward than ever.
I'm not complaining, or feeling sorry for myself in the least, as I am so blessed and thankful by what the Lord has given me, and the roles He has placed me in, but the fact remains I'm just awkward and ill fitting in all my circles.
I can relate to everyone and no-one.
We did personality tests at church and I learned that I am a pretty solid introvert and I learned what that means....Introverts can love and enjoy people very much, but they need to be recharged by themselves, this explained me so well.
The problem is, I am an introvert living in a household full of peeps and those peeps mostly happen to be extroverts.
They are running around sparking each other into a full on charge and I'm trying to hide in my room for a recharge moment and they just keep charging IN.
I have always wanted to blend in and be independent at the same time.
I now have a family that doesn't "blend in" at all, and I LOVE it and am so very proud of my family, but it kills me about every time we walk into the public....it's hard to blend when you have so many ages and stages and colors and extroverted sparking chaos .
I can also be pretty insecure, which I have learned is just a form of pride (sigh), but it's harder to spot because it's not pride coming out in arrogance.
So even my pride is a bit of a contradiction and hard to
"fit".
I was talking to the Lord about all this on my run a few days ago, and how I feel like a misfit as it is just hard to know where I fit or what I can contribute where He has me right now....and this song that I have never heard before came on in my little ear buds, and the Lord Jesus spoke so sweetly and clearly and timely through this song.
The Shape of Your Love by Colton Dixon
The song talks about not fitting in......but the shape of God's love is in the
GRACE;
it's always enough to fill the void inside.
I may not "fit", but I'm growing into the shape of HIS LOVE!!!!
